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Getting Complete

Getting and being complete is very important if you want a great relationship. If you are not complete -- with your past, your parents, your choices, etc. -- you will continue to have the same type of relationships, no matter how hard you try to make them different.

To be incomplete with your past it to be carrying a sack of incompleteness on your back, carrying your "baggage" into every relationship. It is to react to any situation that reminds you of the past with intensity, damaging and uncalled for in your current relationship. It is to close down, for fear of getting hurt because you have been hurt before. To close down more and more, until none of you is available to be present in a relationship.

It is to lose hope that you too can be loved, or can love. It is to avoid people, simply because they remind you of those who hurt you in the past. To be incomplete is paralyzing and drains life and authenticity. Until you are complete with every single incompletion, until the sack is empty or nearly empty, you are not free to have a relationship unencumbered by your past.

Below is a questionnaire to find out how complete you are with your past. When you score yourself at the end, you will get some ideas for what you can do to become more complete, and thus more able to attract and create a great relationship.



Put a checkmark next to statements 100% true for you.

Current Relationship

(if you are not in a relationship, skip this section and add 10 points to your final score):


__ 1. You have no unspoken resentments toward your partner

__ 2. You and your partner negotiate those things each of you

__ 3. You have no secrets from your partner

__ 4. You and your partner trust each other completely

__ 5. There is nothing unsaid between you and your partner

__ 6. Your partner knows what your needs are and meets them

__ 7. You have a system to manage your household responsibilities

__ 8. You have a great, passionate love life

__ 9. You trust your partner to communicate with you

__ 10. Cheating never crosses your mind

_____Total Statements Checked

Past Relationships:


__ 1. When you see an ex-partner, you can say hello without cringing or avoiding

__ 2. You have no items in your environment that "talk" to you about your ex-partner(s)

__ 3. Your ex-partner(s) doesn't have any of your items for which your are resentful

__ 4. You don't spend any time wondering what could have happened with an ex "if only..."

__ 5. When you hear your ex is in a relationship you're happy

__ 6. You don't feel you have anything left to say to your ex

__ 7. When you see your ex, you don't rekindle the romance

__ 8. You wish your ex only love and happiness

__ 9. You are no longer suffering from what he/she did to you

__ 10. You don't feel compelled to talk about your ex

_____Total Statements Checked

Your Parents:


__ 1. You can ask your parents for approval and get it

__ 2. You can make a request and be heard

__ 3. You can share your successes with your parents

__ 4. You are no longer suffering from your childhood wounds

__ 5. You have re-parented yourself

__ 6. Your parents know what damaged you in your childhood

__ 7. Your parents have learned how to treat you differently

__ 8. You can be with your parents

__ 9. You know your parents did the best they could

__ 10. You know your parents' relationship is one way to do a relationship, not the only way

_____Total Statements Checked

The Opposite Sex


__ 1. You would never say, "Men/Women are...(negative comment)"

__ 2. You know that we are all people first, men/women second

__ 3. You treat potential partners as potential friends, not potential sex partners

__ 4. You never say, "All men/women are like my father/mother..."

__ 5. You have no fear of the opposite sex

__ 6. You do not have to compete with the opposite sex

__ 7. You can recognize and avoid a person who will cause you emotional damage

__ 8. You do not try to convince people that you are the only specimen of your gender who is decent

__ 9. Your attraction never gets you into trouble

__ 10. You value men/women in your life

_____Total Statements Checked



__ 1. You have forgiven yourself for the things you have done

__ 2. You love yourself and think you are wonderful

__ 3. You take care of yourself as if you were a treasure

__ 4. You have forgiven yourself for bad relationship choices

__ 5. You purposefully take care of your needs

__ 6. You accept yourself and your quirks as charming

__ 7. You respect yourself and are very careful with your boundaries, time and space

__ 8. You can say "no" and be ok with it

__ 9. You know when you are incomplete with something

__ 10. You have derived positive lessons from your past

_____Total Statements Checked

Scoring: Add the totals for each section above to get your overall score.

_______ Your total score here

Your score and what you can do:


**0-20 points:

You have a lot of completion to do and are carrying around a lot of baggage. Your relationships will be much easier when you do some completion work. Some tips for completion are in my newsletter archive, Specifically look at newsletters No.34, and No.79 through No. 82.

**20-30 points:

You have some completion to do. Relationships could still be lighter if you let go of some of the emotional baggage you are carrying. Look at the Relationship Coach Newsletter Archive, Specifically look at newsletters No.34, and No.79 through No. 82.

**30-40 points:

You are fairly complete, yet are still likely to be having relationship trouble. Continue to work on completing the past, while taking a look at some of the other love-generating steps from last week's newsletter,

**40-50 points:

Congratulations! You are complete. Bet you feel lots of freedom in your life. If you are still having trouble with relationships, take a look at some of the other love-generating steps in last week's newsletter,

Your Relationship Coach,

Rinatta Paries

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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