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Possibilities in Relationships

Do you have a history of painful, unfulfilling relationships? Do you want to stop dating the same type of partners over and over again? Do you want to find a partner who is an easy match for you? Do you want a relationship that goes beyond your expectations and fills you with joy?

You are not alone. Thousands of singles have these same hopes, dreams and desires. At one time, I did too. Today I have a relationship that brings me joy and fulfillment. I am with a partner whom I treasure. I've come a long way, and you can too.

I'd like to share with you how I overcame the challenges of being single. From this, I hope to inspire you to make the necessary changes in your life, so you too can have a wonderful relationship.

When I started dating as a teenager, I attracted men who did not want to be with me. My first boyfriend told me at the end of our summer affair that he had lost interest in me. I was broken-hearted when he said, "I never promised you it would be forever." My relationships continued in the same vein through two marriages and countless short-term relationships. A little fun, some good times, lots of grief, pain and disappointment were the ingredients of my romantic life.

I simply kept meeting the same kind of partners and having the same kind relationship. I would meet men who were, for whatever reason, unavailable and only briefly interested. Those who were interested stuck around for no more than a few years, at which point we would break up or migrate to an on and off relationship.

In my mid-twenties, I became determined to break this pattern. I attended 12-step programs, went to therapy, read books, and finally got a coach. It was through coaching that I learned how to build a life not centered on having a relationship. I discovered I could fulfill some of my own needs, rather than relying on a relationship to do so.

I learned to identify and communicate my needs and wants. I also learned I was worth loving; that I had a lot to offer to a relationship by simply being myself. I finally understood that it was ok if someone did not want to date me or be with me. My job was to attract a man who would be thrilled to have a relationship with me.

Through observation, I noticed recurring patterns and underlying beliefs that plagued most singles like me. The information I learned during this period of intense personal growth, and through my now constant quest for knowledge, is the source for the articles you read in "Relationship Coach Newsletter," and my foundation for coaching clients in my relationship coaching practice.

Eight years ago I met the man who is now my husband. Armed with self-knowledge and a new attitude about relationships, I started the relationship with him differently. Although I admit I still had a fear of getting hurt.

We moved very slowly, taking the time to really get to know each other. We built a friendship, and then fell in love. By the time we said, "I love you" to each other, we had established clear channels of communication. As a result, we now enjoy a relationship filled with love and friendship and communication and passion -- a rare find these days.

I am happy to report that our relationship, like good wine, just gets better with age. We tell the truth all the time and communicate fully. We support each other in our endeavors. We give each other honest feedback. We treasure each other. We hold each other up when we fall and cheer each other on when we succeed. We hold each other accountable to our promises and sometimes we goof-off together. We laugh and play like kids. We work toward our mutual goals. We have lots of passion and people smile at us when they see us on the street, because our affection for each other is apparent.

I can tell my partner those things about his behavior or our relationship that aren't working. He will understand, listen, and make the best adjustments he can. He can ask the same of me. Even when we fight we are clear we care about each other, clear we are dedicated to working through anything to stay together. I trust him to be completely committed and faithful to me, and he trusts me to be the same to him.

Being in this relationship is bliss. It fulfills my most fundamental relationship values and desires. For me, a good relationship is based on growth, communication, honesty and passion. I have a partner who is wholeheartedly willing and able to live in a relationship based on these attributes.

Perhaps I am lucky I found him or that he found me. I believe the personal growth we each experienced separately prepared us to have this extraordinary relationship together. The reason I allowed this man into my life was because I had learned what I needed and wanted in a relationship and was no longer willing to choose partners unconsciously. I cracked the painful, destructive patterns of my past, willing only to have a conscious relationship.

I want you to discover your own bliss, which will not necessarily be the same as mine. Crack the hold your own relationship patterns have on your life. Choose to build a relationship that goes beyond your expectations. It is possible. I have done it. You can too!

Your Relationship Coach,

Rinatta Paries

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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