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How to Choose a Partner

There are many single people looking for a relationship, but
not necessarily finding the one. I hear it all the time in my
practice. Single clients and friends tell me they have tried
personal ads, dating services and the Internet. Some get their
friends to set them up on blind dates. Many go to singles social
activities and join singles clubs of all kinds. The lengths that
singles go to in order to find a relationship could constitute a
full time job. And yet, more often then not, they come up empty-
handed. Sure, they may get some dates or end up in short-term
relationships. But they don't usually find the lifetime
relationship they've been seeking.

I have a theory about why many singles have a hard time finding
a lifetime relationship. Rather than looking for a true
partnership where both individuals meet each other's needs, many
singles are only looking to get their own needs meet. They are
not looking to relate with someone as much as they are looking
for someone to love them.

When you are only looking for someone to love you, those who
respond quickly and with the most intensity will be most
appealing. You will be looking for people who act as if they are
in love with you almost immediately. You will tend to gravitate
toward those with whom you have this "chemistry" and who want to
move quickly into a relationship.

Unfortunately, partners who want to move into the relationship
quickly tend to leave or cool off to the relationship quickly.
If you end up in a relationship where there is immediate
chemistry, where you are loved and adored immediately, most
likely you will be left or ignored soon after.

It is possible to be attracted to and have chemistry with lots
of people. Everyone you're attracted to or have chemistry with
should not be your relationship partner.

I believe every single person needs to learn the skills of
ignoring the immediate attraction and looking for something
subtler, something that can grow and develop over time. One way
to do this is learn to recognize people who have the same values
as you. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

What do I need in a relationship; what can't I live without?

What do I need day-to-day from someone in order to continue to
fall in love with him or her?

What do I value in someone above all else?

What will be important when I live with someone?

What can't I live with?

What is the worst thing a partner could do to me?

Add you own questions to the list to distill your relationship

Once you come up with answers to the questions above, you will
have your own list of relationship values. Then, measure the
people you are attracted to against your values. You will find
the people with whom you feel instantaneous attraction will tend
to not hold the same relationship values as you. On the other
hand, you will find people with whom you have a more subtle
attraction will be a better fit with your relationship values.

You are not judging a potential partner as good or bad. You are
evaluating your compatibility with people. I believe there is
someone for everyone. What you may find unacceptable in someone,
another may find lovely and extraordinary. If you are to get
what is important to you in a relationship, you have to find
people who have the capacity and the inclination to provide it.
After all, do you really want to spend the rest of your life
living with someone who cannot give you what you need?

Real love, the type of love most people want in their lives,
goes far deeper than attraction or chemistry. And it is worth
the wait.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries
in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for
people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the
newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If
you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more
closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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