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Letting Go of Love, Part II

Note: "He" and "him" is used throughout this article to make
for easy reading. However, the article is applicable to both
genders, so any "he" can be substituted with "she."

Last week we talked about letting go of a particular kind of
past relationship. It was the kind of relationship where you
were truly connected with your partner. There was love on both
sides, at least in the beginning. Unfortunately, your partner
was loving only part of the time. The rest of the time, he was
hurtful and damaging. The relationship is behind you, but you
are still having trouble letting go emotionally. The question
is how do you let go of the living, breathing partner who you
love and yet who is not good for you?

The first step is to understand that your partner would have
given you the moon and the stars if he could. Even when he
appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he was
always doing the best he could. Understand that he never
intentionally hurt you.

On the most basic level, humans function in survival mode.
Those who feel their survival is threatened will respond
accordingly. This is a subconscious behavior. Unless there is
abuse, it is very rare that one's survival is threatened in a
relationship. However, when you push your partner's buttons, he
may go into survival mode and retaliate to protect himself. He
may hurt you tremendously, and yet he is doing the best he can.
Choosing healthy partners is in part choosing partners who have
learned they don't need to be in survival mode in a relationship.

To let go of your past relationship, forgive your ex, forgive
yourself, and understand that his behavior was not your fault.
Understand that all of his behaviors comprise all of his person.
Sometimes he was wonderful and sometimes he was horrible. And
all of the time he was who he is. There is no way you could only
have his good side. His bad side was hurtful. End of story. Let
your ex off the hook.

Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection
between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that
connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him, a
loving and nurturing part. There was love for you, there may
still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.

How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love
and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and
in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an
inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future
partners. Send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex
whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind.
Whenever you miss him, send him love. In these ways you can
still love him, while keeping your distance and protecting
yourself from his hurtful behavior.

You may be hesitant to do the above. You may be afraid that it
will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But
understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and
become more of what you wanted. Most likely, he will remain
exactly how he is, at least as far as you are concerned.

The reason for honoring your connection is not to somehow bring
your ex partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the
relationship, you become free of anger you feel towards him. By
honoring the gifts he did give you, instead of focusing on what
he did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude.

Over time, freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you
the ability to attract and create the extraordinary relationship
you want, with someone else.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries
in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for
people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the
newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If
you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more
closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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