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Letting Go of Love, Part I

Most people have relationships in their past that didn't work.
Many people have one such relationship that is very hard to let
go of. This is the one that got away, but shouldn't have. This
is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one
that felt like true love. This type of a relationship and how to
finally let it go will be covered in today's two-part article.

When your partner was at his/her best, he/she met all of your
needs. He/she was the perfect fit for you. If he/she could be
the way he/she was with you 100% of the time, rather then just a
fraction of the time, you would be in the relationship still.
The times he/she was everything you needed are hard to let go
of. You have been looking for this kind of a match all of your

Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have
always wanted. You knew he/she could, because he/she had. But
he/she wouldn't. You wanted to make him/her, to force him/her,
to remind him/her, to talk him/her into it. You did everything
possible to make him/her be the way you wanted 100% percent of
the time. You probably asked him/her to go to therapy. You used
all of the tricks in the book to evoke the behaviors you wanted.

Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserve better
than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment
to your ex-partner lingers. It lingers because you never
succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It
feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what
you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex-
partner would give you the love you wanted, all of the time.
After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time.

It is not easy to move onto another relationship after such an
experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart
to someone new. It is hard to belive you will have such love
and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to
trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.

One of the things that keeps you hooked into the old
relationship is anger. Let's talk about the anger that arises
when someone has something you want but won't give it to you. As
far as you can see, it would be very simple for him or her. It
may look like he or she is not doing what you want for no
reason, just to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel
in this kind of a situation? Most people would feel very angry,
and justifiably so. But, anger is a way to stay connected to
someone, albeit not a positive way. Anger is one reason you may
have difficulty letting go of your past relationship.

There is also another reason why it's hard to let go of the
relationship that got away. The person you were in love with
truly had great qualities. With him/her you truly had an
incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He
or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship
was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time.
The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.

It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And
more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful,
caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a
relationship can be the hardest thing you ever do. Even when
you walk away it may still pull at your heart.

It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear
he/she doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go
of someone that dies, because there is nothing that can be done.
But to let go of someone that is well and alive and loves you is
an incredible task. Yet let go you must if your partner is not
willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in
any relationship, you must let go completely of this past

So, how do you do this? How do you let go of the living,
breathing partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and
yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who
seems to have been the one?

Read part two of this article to find out.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries
in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for
people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the
newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If
you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more
closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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