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The Right Tools for the Job

Most people think once they meet the right partner they will
automatically have a great relationship. They don't realize
creating a great, long-term relationship requires the right
tools for the job.

Let me give you an example. Peter has had many short-lived
romances, or flings. He believes the reason for the short-lived
nature of most of his past relationships is because he hasn't
yet met the right person. Now he believes he has met his Ms.
Right and wants to be with her long-term. He thinks he will
naturally know what to do in this new relationship. Or perhaps
he hasn't even given any thought to what he should do.

He approaches this new partner in the same manner as he has
approached women in the past. He comes on very strong. He
lavishes her with affection and attention. He tries to push the
relationship forward quickly. His partner wonders about his
motivations. She feels uncomfortable or rushed, maybe scared.
She hesitates, tells him to slow down, then gets addicted to the
attention and falls, hard. Now she wants to spend all her time
with him, and he is starting to feel controlled, pressured.

Peter may walk away from the relationship and lose it because
he was trying to build a long-term relationship in the same way
he approached his flings. He used the tools for a fling --
coming on very strong, excessive amounts of attention, rushing
the relationship -- to get a long-term relationship. He used the
wrong tools for the job. He didn't realize a long-term
relationship must be built on a different foundation than a
short-term romance.

What would happen if Peter realized that relationship skills
are no different than any other set of skills? What would happen
if he realized he might be missing the ones necessary to build a
long-term relationship? He may start paying attention to his
actions. He might pursue relationship skill training to better
himself. As a result, he would be much more likely to create the
long-term partnership he desires.

Now let's take Angela, a late 30-something, attractive woman.
Angela, like Peter, has had mostly short-term relationships. The
two long-term relationships she did have were difficult almost
from the beginning.

Angela attracts men by flirting and with sexuality. She dresses
in a provocative manner, and is open to being sexual
with men on the first few dates. Men look at her, talk to her
and ask her out, often. But, they don't stick around to be in a
relationship with her. This used to be ok with Angela, but now
she really wants a long-term relationship.

Unfortunately, she keeps trying to attract a man for a long-
term relationship in the same way she was attracting men before.
She is using the tools for a fling -- sexuality and
flirtatiousness, provocative dress, being sexual with men
quickly -- to get a long-term relationship. She is using the
wrong tools for the job. She doesn't realize a long-term
relationship must be built on a different foundation than a
short-term romance.

I am sure you want to know what the tools are for building a
long-term relationship. Look at the list below and see how many
of these you use when trying to build a relationship that lasts.

=> Going slowly in a relationship to build a solid foundation
=> Knowing what you want, and knowing how to get your needs met
=> Understanding and meeting your partner's needs
=> Maintaining your identity
=> Being able to receive, graciously
=> Being able to give, unconditionally
=> Knowing the difference between what a partner can and cannot
give you
=> Communicating fully
=> Setting boundaries respectfully
=> Respecting your partner's boundaries
=> Listening completely, no matter what
=> Being able to work as a team
=> Building a friendship with your partner
=> Having patience and vision for your relationship

If you find you don't have some of these tools or don't know
how to use them, you may want to work on acquiring them. Start
by focusing on a particular tool, which in itself will get you
moving in the right direction. For example, if you focus on
listening completely, you'll start to notice when you don't.
With practice, your listening skills will improve.

As with any learning process, it may be useful to have someone,
such as a coach, who can help train you. If you need help, I am
here for you.

When you have acquired the above relationship skills, you will
notice a vast improvement in all of your relationships, such as
family, friends and colleagues. And, you will be on your way to
creating the long-term relationship you dream of!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries
in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for
people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the
newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If
you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more
closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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