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Divorce/Break-Up Recovery

Divorce can be a devastating ordeal, and recovering from divorce can be a difficult, treacherous road. Sometimes people don't recover at all. Others, although appearing to be past
their divorce, still carry the pain of the breakup and the fear of getting close to a partner again.

"Simple" breakup of a relationship can be just as devastating as a divorce. This can happen even if the relationship did not last a long time.

Below are ten ways to help you recover from a divorce or break-up, get your life back on track, and guarantee a bright relationship future for yourself. This is a different way to approach breakup recovery, a way that will allow you to deeply heal. These steps will show you how to recreate your life and your relationships to be far more fulfilling then before the breakup.

1. Grieve deeply and completely.

Many times people are terrified of dark feelings, such as sadness, depression, anger, etc. The intensity of these feelings can seem strong enough to take a hold of your soul forever. The key point to remember and trust is that although these feelings are indeed strong, they will not last forever. Nor will feeling these feelings in some way damage you or destroy you. You will feel better once you allow yourself to feel.

2. Grieve the future your marriage/relationship had, which now will never be.

When people come together in a commitment, many dreams and hopes are created. These are not simple to let go of, because we use dreams and hopes to guide us to our future. Find out what dreams and hopes were in your relationship. Then separately grieve each one. Know that your dreams and hopes are not dead. You will recreate them again with someone else, or even alone.

3. Identify and spend time with the people in your life who know how to listen to your feelings with complete love and acceptance.

When recovering from break-up or any devastating loss it is critical for you to be allowed to speak your mind as much and as often as you need to. Many people are not comfortable listening to others' dark emotions. Listening to someone else's anger, fear, or grief often makes us afraid that their emotions will overtake us. This is why seemingly loving, caring people often
try to "fix" us when we share our painful feelings. It is important that you are not interrupted or given advice -- speaking is how you will heal.

4. Understand what happened in the relationship.

In order for you to be able to come to terms with the break-up and to move on to creating a wonderful life, you need to understand what happened to lead to the breakup. This is the
part of your journey where you will have to be extremely honest with yourself. It will do you no good to blame your ex or yourself. You need to clearly understand the dynamic you and
your partner created together. You need to clearly trace the threads of the events that led to the animosity or the cooling off in the relationship.

5. Understand why you chose your former partner.

People choose relationships for many different reasons, the most popular being "love." But what many consider to be in love is not really love at all. Here are some of the reasons why people choose each other:

* A deep need to be wanted
* A life-long struggle to meet someone like his/her parents
and save them or change them
* A fear of being alone
* Infatuation
* Material security
* For the good of the children, etc.

If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, you will be able to see the beginnings of the break-up at the inception of the relationship. You will also start to
build understanding to be able to choose differently the next time around.

6. Forgive your partner, forgive yourself.

Now it's time to forgive. Understand that you and your partner did the best both of you could. Understand that even when you were doing things to hurt each other, it was still the best you
could do at the time. Perhaps the painful actions came out of self-defense, or self-preservation. Perhaps they came out of revenge for the pain you felt the other was inflicting. Forgiveness is a sure way to free yourself up to have a wonderful life in the future.

7. Create distance between you and your ex- partner. Spend 3 to 6 months with no contact.

One thing that is so difficult about break-up is no longer having another person around, no longer having your best friend and confidant. It is difficult to let go of the everyday
interactions and the friendship. And yet, if you are to heal well, you must create 3 to 6 months of no contact with your former partner (or as little contact as possible in case you have children together). This will give you the opportunity to grieve and work through your anger. It will also allow the relationship between you and your ex-partner to begin again (if at all) on a different footing.

8. Create a supportive community.

Going through break-up means you have just lost your best friend and partner. You need to be listened to. You need to know that you are wanted and loved. For these reasons, having a
supportive community is critical to your recovery. A community can be a religious/spiritual group , an on-line community, or a group of friends who you ask to support you. Make sure your
community clearly knows you need their support and how you need to be supported.

9. Resolve to learn everything about you and relationships.

If you are to create a better relationship in the future, without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine every aspect of relationships in regard to yourself. You need to know what you want in a relationship, what kind of partner would be best suited for you, what you absolutely need in order to feel satisfied, and what you absolutely will not accept.

10. Take great care of yourself in the process.

Divorce or break-up recovery is a stressful, painful, and life-changing process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they must take care of themselves extremely well. A good rule of thumb is to treat yourself as if you have a slight cold -- delegate or reduce your workload, eat well, exercise gently, and get lots of rest. Add in extras like a massage, taking a creative class, doing activities that you consider fun, etc.

Although recovering from divorce or break-up is not easy, you will succeed and come out of the process much better for it if you follow the above systematic approach. Much success to you!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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