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Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 3

Do you want to put to rest the people and situations from your
past so they do not interfere with your current and future

I bet you said yes. Who doesn't have something in their past
they want to put to rest? Then let's talk about what action
steps you can take to create the absence of past -- or
completion -- in your life.

Below are a series of action steps. You'll want to pick a few
and repeat them until you are complete with various people and
circumstances from your past.

The time it takes to get to genuine completion will vary from
person to person and situation to situation. For some it can
come quickly. But sometimes completion happens over time: we may
have to forgive, let go, or communicate to people in stages over
a period of time.

Here are 10 action steps to put to rest the people and
situations from your past. Use these action steps on the list of
incompletions you created from last week's article.

1. Write Letters
Write letters to the person or people to whom you feel
resentful, hurt, or still attached. Freely say everything you
want to say and write as many letters as necessary to feel
complete, each time going deeper inside to express your full
emotions. Do not send these letters, but instead do something
with them that leads you to feel you are getting rid of the
feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury
them, etc.

2. Tell Your Story
Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend, advisor, or
your journal. Make sure neither you nor the person listening
edit or judge what you say or write, give advice, or make
comments to dispute your feelings. Your job is to communicate
and be listened to attentively.

3. Talk to the Right Person
Talk to the person with whom you have the incompletion. Do this
only if you are sure the person will be able to listen to you in
the same way as in Step 2 above. If you do have this
conversation, make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about
your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the
opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get

4. Imagine Talking to the Right Person
If the conversation in Step 3 above is not feasible, have this
conversation in your imagination. Give the conversation as much
time and undivided attention as you would give a real
conversation. This works best as a closed eye

5. Role Play
Ask a trusted friend to role-play the incomplete situation with
you or imagine being back in the situation. Use this opportunity
to say what you wish you had said. Repeat the role play again,
but this time have the other person act in a way that would have
avoided causing the incompletion. Repeat the process over time
until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine
Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present.
How did you grow as a result? Was there a hidden gift in going
through the experience? What did you learn from the situation?
Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation and the
other person.

7. Own What Happened
Take responsibility for it and figure out how to prevent a
similar situation from happening again. Answer the following
questions at length in your journal: How did you contribute to
the situation, specifically? What motivated you? What did you
ignore or not communicate? How will you respond differently next
time at each of the key junctures?

8. Create Completion by Understanding
Look at the other person's motivations. You do not have to
approve or agree. Simply understand. Answer the following
questions at length in your journal: What made his/her actions
inevitable? Did he/she have a true choice? What would have had
to be different in order for his/her actions to be different?

9. Repair the Damage or Loss
Actively repair the damage or loss. If something of yours was
taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you
were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support,
acknowledgement, and love you wanted from the other person. Ask
trusted others to provide you with the emotional support you
needed and did not get.

10. Talk to the Spirit of the Person
Sometimes our relationships go so wrong and so much hurt is
created that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the
understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, imagine
having a conversation with the person's spirit, attentively
listening while you say everything you need to say. Even when
the person may not be able to hear you, their spirit always
will. Repeat this process until you are complete.

These steps will help you put your past to rest. You will be
ready to start working on attracting your ideal Mr. or Ms. Right
-- figuring out and then breaking your relationship pattern.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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