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Dont Compare Partners

Have you ever found yourself comparing your current partner to
someone from your past, and finding your current partner
lacking? Worse yet, have you found yourself telling your current
partner he or she is being compared to someone in your past and
falls short?

What is it we are really after when comparing current and
former partners? Do we want our current partners to be just like
our exes? Probably not, or we would still be in those
relationships. I think when we are making a comparison, we are
really after something else. My hunch is what most of us really
want is to have our current partners meet some specific needs
and desires in the same, natural way as our past partners did.

Unfortunately, when we make this comparison between partners
and then tell our partner about it, he or she will probably not
take the feedback well. In fact, your partner will be very
likely to feel angry, resentful, and to make sure not to do what
you want.

How can you, then, get what you want in a more effective way
than causing resentment and anger in your partner? How can you
have your needs and desires satisfied? It's simple, really. Just
ask. But be sure to ask without making your partner wrong for
not already having met your needs.

Let's look at an example. Let's say you are not getting enough
romance in your current relationship, but had gotten plenty of
it in your past relationship, and liked it that way.

If you were comparing your current partner to your ex, you
might say things like, "Why aren't you more like X? He (or she)
was so romantic. I would get flowers and cards from him all of
the time." Or, you might say, "She was much more interested in
romance and intimacy than you are." Then you might finish with,
"You are just not like him (or her)," with a negative
connotation in your voice.

As I said, after this kind of encounter, it's unlikely you will
experience romantic gestures from your current partner, even if
he or she originally had a desire to be romantic.

Asking for your needs to be met looks very different than
comparing partners and making your current partner wrong.

You may say
something like, "You know, I really like and
appreciate romantic gestures. Flowers or cards would make me
feel loved and appreciated. Physical intimacy would make me feel
loved and connected to you. I would like more of these from you.
Can you do that for me?"

With an approach like this, you are much more likely to get
what you want.

So stop comparing and start asking!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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