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Don't Look for Your Soul Mate

If you look for a soul mate, you are likely to find a
relationship that leaves you bewildered and alone soon after it
begins. Instead, look for a partner and a best friend to whom
you are attracted.

I hear it over and over again; "We were so compatible…we fell
in love at first sight…we committed to each other right way…we
had so much in common…it is as if we have known each other all
of our lives…etc." Yet the relationship fell apart, my soul
mate's behavior radically changed. What happened?

What happens when you look for a soul mate? You look for
someone with whom you can feel at home, right away. You look for
someone who will understand you and give you what you want and
need, right away. You look for an extraordinary sense of
recognition, connection and attraction.

Instead, what you find is someone who is willing to melt with
you, to let go of boundaries that define the self. You find
someone who is willing for a time to be for you whomever and
whatever you want. And you melt with him or her, let go of your
own boundaries, become for him or her what is wanted or needed.
Then the two of you feel like soul mates. But this can only go
on for a time, and often a short time -- about 6 weeks to 3
months, sometimes even less.

Eventually, both of you regain a sense of self, a sense of
personal boundaries, needs and wants, distinctly different from
one another. Your "soul mate" may not meet your needs and give
you attention as readily as he or she once did. You realize you
may not be as compatible as you thought you were. You find out
things about each other you cannot accept. One or both people
pull away, often without communicating to the other the true
reasons for the distance. Eventually the relationship ends.

If you want to avoid having this kind of experience altogether,
look for a person who has the capacity to become you partner and
best friend, to whom you are attracted. The key words here being
"partner" and "best friend" and "attracted." As in someone you
can partner with to build a life, someone who will support,
encourage and cheer you on, to whom you are attracted. All three
of these qualities must be present for you to have the kind of
relationship you dream of.

Then, once you find him or her, follow five suggestions below
to build a relationship:

1. Don't melt into the other person, but instead be strongly
yourself.

The more you are yourself, the stronger your bond with the
other person has a chance of becoming. That is if each of you --
being yourselves -- enjoys being with the other.

2. Don't try to be nice and don't give just to be loved or
liked. Just be.

In a long-term relationship, one that hopefully will last for
the rest of your life, you want to just be and have that be
enough, have that be appreciated. So just be in the beginning --
it will either be good enough, maybe even extraordinary, or not.

3. Don't rely on each other too much.

Don't need each other to fix life, emotional or financial
problems. Emotions and loyalties get confused when new partners
try to save each other. Keep the relationship clean and be
together because you want to, not because you need to.

4. Slow way down.

Take the relationship very slow. Savor each milestone: the
first time you hold hands, the first kiss, the first afternoon
spent together. Don't rush in search of the holy grail of
"relationships." If you end up together, these "firsts" will
only happen once. If you don't end up together, you are more
likely to end the relationship sooner and more cleanly if you
have not rushed in headfirst.

5. Build a friendship.

Building a good friendship takes time, effort, risk,
communication, compassion, honesty. Do it - it is this
friendship that will serve as a foundation of your relationship.

Now doesn't this sound better than the cycle of finding love
and then losing it again?

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract
and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"


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