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Changing Your Partner

Relationships are never perfect, and rarely do perfect partners
come together. At some point in every relationship, partners
want to change something about each other.

The following are three schools of thought on changing
another's behavior and an alternative to each one. You will find
the alternatives more useful, easier to implement and more
effective.

School of Thought I:
--------------------
You may never change another, nor may you request change.
Seeking change in another is avoiding changing yourself. Your
partner is showing you something you don't like in yourself. The
change must happen within you. You must strive to become such
that the other's behavior no longer bothers you.

The Alternative:
----------------
Look at yourself first. If you still find yourself needing to
make a request, do it. This will give you the opportunity to
practice the vital skills of asking for what you want and
negotiating.

However, do be aware - making an effective request is
definitely a skill. To learn this skill, please read next week's
newsletter.

School of Thought II:
---------------------
You must demand change from the other because if he/she loved
you enough surely there would be change. He/she is bad and wrong
in the first place for doing the thing that upsets you. He/she
is bad and wrong again for not changing without you having to
say anything. He/she is very wrong for balking at the change
once you demand it.

The Alternative:
----------------
People do what they do and say what they say not because of you
but because of how they relate to others. This means if your
partner is doing something to upset you or bug you, he/she is
not doing it to you, just doing it. Moreover, people cannot read
minds. If you do not communicate effectively when something is
bothering you, you cannot expect change.

You should also know that when you demand, you are not likely
to get what you want. And your partner definitely has the right
to say no.

To create change, make your requests clearly, gently and as
soon as you become aware of the need. Your requests are more
likely to be granted. However, if they are not granted, you
cannot demand change.

Making an effective request is definitely a skill. To learn
this skill, please read next week's newsletter.

School of Thought III:
----------------------
Produce change at any cost or any way you can. Hold back no
weapon in your arsenal. Manipulation, nagging, begging,
threatening are all fair game. Don't ever give up because, after
all, the change is good for your partner.

The Alternative:
----------------
When you request change from your partner to further growth and
development, it is often very good for him/her. However, any
underhanded attempt will be met with resistance and anger. You
will not get change. In fact, things may get worse.

Your alternative is to ask clearly and openly, with love, for
what you want. Again, to learn how to do this read next week's
newsletter.

If the change is something your partner wants for himself or
herself, offer support in creating it. Do this for as long as it
takes to create the change. If the answer is no, accept it and
deal with the consequences, even if the consequence leads to the
end of the relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"


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