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Out with the Old

Think back to a situation where you felt resentful. Or think
back to the last time your heart was broken. The next time you
encounter a similar situation, will you be free to choose how
you act, or will you instead automatically attempt to protect
yourself? If you are like most people, the latter is true. And
why wouldn't you protect yourself if you see hurt coming, right?

Focusing your attention on self-protection prevents you from
being fully present. You may miss opportunities to change the
outcome of the situation, to play it differently, to see how it
IS different. You may miss opportunities to truly connect with

That's why letting go of your past - or "getting complete" - is
vitally important. If you do not get complete, you will carry
old pain into present and future relationships. If you do not
get complete, you may perceive any situation, similar to the
ones in which you were hurt, as more of the same. This will make
most relationships difficult, and may even prevent them from
forming at all.

Being complete with your past has two key benefits. First, when
faced with a situation that causes you pain or resentment, you
become free to choose your actions rather than reacting from
fear of pain. Secondly, you no longer have an emotional reaction
when looking back on the hurtful situations.

Can you see why it is vital that you become complete with your
past if you are to build your ideal relationship?

Here are ten suggestions for getting complete with any past
hurt or resentment. Try working on a few situations at a time
until you find you are complete with them.

1. Write letters.
Write letters to the person who made you feel resentful or
hurt. Freely say everything you want to say. Write as many
letters as necessary to feel complete, but do not send them.
Instead, do something with them that helps you feel you are
getting rid of the painful feelings. Flush the letters down the
toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.

2. Tell your story.
Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend or advisor.
Make sure the person listening gives no advice and makes no
comments to dispute your feelings, but instead allows you to
talk and listens attentively.

3. Talk to the right person.
Talk to the person with whom you feel incomplete. Do this only
if you are sure this person will be able to listen to you in the
same way as described in #2. Make sure not to blame or be rude,
but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life.
If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you
need to get complete.

4. Imagine.
Imagine yourself in the same room as the person with whom you
have the incompletion. Imagine them attentively listening to you
while you say everything you need to say. Repeat this process
many times until you are done.

5. Role-Play.
Ask a trusted friend to role-play the hurtful situation with
you. Have them be the other person and reenact the situation.
Respond how you wish you had responded. Repeat the role-play,
but this time, have the other person act in a way that would
have avoided causing you pain. Repeat the process over time
until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine.
Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present.
How did you grow as a result of the pain? Was there a hidden
gift in going through the experience? What did you learn as a
result of the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude
toward the situation, the pain, the resentment, the anger and
the other person.

7. Pray.
If you pray, say the following prayer for at least a month and
perhaps longer until you feel complete: "Please remove the
resentment/anger/pain I am feeling toward/about [name]. Please
give [name] as much joy, prosperity, love, etc., as I want for

8. Perform a ritual.
Do something physical to symbolize that you are now letting go
of the past and are ready to move freely into the present.
Repeat until you feel complete.

9. Repair the damage.
Actively repair the damage that was caused to you. If something
of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or
better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of
support, acknowledgement, love, etc., that you wanted from the
other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the
emotional support you needed and did not get. It's ok to request
to be treated in exactly the way you need in order to heal.

10. Talk to the spirit of the person.
Sometimes our relationships go so wrong, so much hurt is
created, that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us
the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, have
conversations with the person's spirit. Although they may not be
able to hear you, you know their spirit will. Recreate the
suggestion in #4, but talk to the person's spirit rather than to
the actual person.

When you let go of past hurts and resentments, an unimaginable
field of possibilities will open up for you. You will be free
from your past. You will be free to form bonds with people based
on the essence and the beauty of who you are. You will be able
to see the essence and beauty of others. From that freedom you
will be able to create your ideal relationship.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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