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We all have needs--physical, emotional, material and spiritual.
Having your needs satisfied gives you the freedom to live
happily and comfortably. Unmet needs leave you hungry and

Your ability to recognize and take care of your needs has a
direct connection to the kind of people you attract and the
quality of your relationships.

When single, the extent to which you recognize and take care of
your needs influences your ability to choose and attract well-
suited partners. When you do not recognize and meet your needs,
potential partners see these needs as your defining
characteristics. Those who are not needy will see your needs and
scatter. Only those who do not meet and recognize their own
needs will be attracted to you.

At the same time, the haze of unmet and unrecognized needs can
cloud your judgment. When a potential partner strongly meets one
of your main needs, you may discount a lack of other important
qualities, which will ultimately make the relationship
impossible. This is one way people end up in relationships where
there is more anger than love.

In a relationship, even if you are unaware of your needs, your
partner will still pick up on them. If you are not taking care
of your needs and/or are not directly asking for what you need,
your partner may feel manipulated and become resentful. This
pattern can become the beginning of the end of the relationship.

In order to have a healthy, satisfying relationship, you must
be able to clearly recognize your needs and find ways to get
them met outside of the relationship. This last part is almost a
radical concept in our culture. Most people think being in a
relationship will get all their needs met, so why should they
find a way to have them met outside the relationship?

It's true that some of your needs can be met in a relationship,
once the relationship is established. An established
relationship is one in which both people have been together for
a significant amount of time -- six months or longer. It is a
relationship in which both people are committed to being
exclusively together.

Even when you are sure you have an established relationship,
you must be able to meet your needs when necessary. Your partner
will not always be able to do so.

Recognizing your needs
Below are examples of some, but not all, of the needs you may

Physical, the need for...

Emotional, the need for...
*safe space
*being liked
*being esteemed
*being wanted
*being right
*being loved

Material, the need for...
*"stuff" (your own definition)

Spiritual, the need for...
*trust in something greater than self

Did you find some of your needs on this list? What other needs
can you add?

How to meet your needs
Notice that the emotional needs make up the larger list. It is
our emotional needs that we most often neglect and diminish.
These are the needs that, when unmet, get in the way of your
ability to have the relationships you desire.

Often people feel bad about having certain needs, such as to be
right or to be wanted. Although they try to suppress these needs
and pretend they don't exist, others are acutely aware of them.
Unmet emotional needs always leak out in behavior.

Our own emotional needs are the most difficult to satisfy.
People frequently believe their partner or friends are obligated
to meet their emotional needs. In truth, no one has any
obligation to meet your needs, but your partner or friends are
likely to help you if you ask them.

Physical needs are sometimes ignored in our fast-paced desire
to succeed. When it comes to taking care of ourselves, we do as
little as we can. This causes our emotional needs to become
amplified. One way to meet your emotional needs is to take care
of yourself physically.

Spiritual needs are often ignored altogether -- we pay homage
to them only in word and not in deed. A spiritual connection
with a higher power can go a long way to helping you see and
meet your emotional needs.

As you can see, emotional needs are the driving force behind
most of our needs. Almost every other need can be reduced to an
unmet emotional need. Meeting our physical, material and
spiritual needs can help us feel satisfied emotionally.

Identify your needs and be creative and resourceful in how you
take care of yourself. Once your needs are met, you will be able
to create the great life and relationships you desire!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. Do you know what it takes to be
happy and fulfilled in your relationships? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!

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