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Reader Q&A;

I receive numerous emails each month from readers asking me for insight into their relationship issues. While I am unable to answer every question, I do occasionally devote my newsletter to answering some of these questions.

Q. Dear Rinatta,
I recently met my girlfriend for a date at a club where she and her friend decided to meet me. When I arrived, I saw her flirting with one of the security guards who was kissing her hand. I was so angry! Am I wrong for being angry?
~Bob

A. Dear Bob,
You are not wrong for being angry. These are your feelings and you are entitled to them. However, if you approached your girlfriend while being angry, you probably got defensiveness and anger in return - without resolving anything. I don't know whether she was flirting or not, or whether it was innocent or malicious. I do know that you need to find out. And the best way to find out is to ask in a calm, non-threatening manner and be willing to listen.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Dear Rinatta,
In your article called "Rebound Effect," you said that a woman who doesn't get her needs met by a man gets resentful. Why should a woman want something from a man in the first place? Shouldn't she be fulfilling her own needs herself? Wouldn't she be happier if she did not look up to a man to fulfill her hopes and dreams?
~Rufina

A. Dear Rufina,
All relationships are based on needs. Why else would we bother with a relationship? People enter romantic relationships with an understanding that their partner will meet a certain set of these needs. This may be the need to be loved and wanted, the need to be cherished, the need for approval, etc. It is when these needs are not met that resentment appears - both in men and women.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Dear Rinatta,
My neighbors are going through this "Rebound Effect" you described in your article. I have tried to help my fellow man by helping him write poetry and do other things that women are supposed to like; however, it seems to have backfired.

She likes what he did, but she knew instantly that it wasn't his idea or his work. Worse, she figured out it was mine. Now I've heard from mutual friends she has developed feelings for me. I don't believe it, but part of me likes the idea. I have not (consciously) showed my feelings; moreover, I would NEVER, EVER, trample over the sanctity of marriage. I also really like the guy, and ripping his heart out isn't my idea of friendship --even though he is kind of a pig, has cheated on her, and he can be very selfish. What do you think?
~Robert

A. Dear Robert,
Good thing you stopped, but also good for you for trying. I think you are right on track, staying back so as not to interfere. Next time a situation like this comes up, instead of having the guy woo his wife your way, get him to do it his way - bring out the best in him.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Dear Rinatta,
What is the best way to handle someone who is obviously angry, using very negative body language and refusing to interact? They won't return a hello or will walk away when I ask if I have done something to upset them.
~Anonymous

A. Dear Anonymous,
I don't think there is much more you can do when someone is angry. You can inquire about what you have done; perhaps offer an apology ahead of time for any harm you might have caused. Then you have to let go, move on, and hope the person comes to his/her senses and decides to talk.
~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Dear Rinatta,
During the past four years I have been in a kind of relationship I always dreamed of having with a man. We do everything together and remain "in touch" all day through email, and even work in the same company. We never made a move or a plan without including the other person or checking to see if it was okay with the other person. He thrives on being with and around people, always prefers a group. I am more of a recluse.
I have become resentful that he "needed" so many people in his life, and I felt like I needed only him.

Today he went on his first "away from me" trip to visit his family, and I felt, for the first time, relieved to see him go. We always said we didn't want to be one of those couples who did everything separately (i.e. vacations, work parties, etc.), but this latest turn of events has me wondering if we're heading in the wrong direction with our relationship. Is all this distance good, or is it an indication that we are starting to drift apart and it's only a matter of time before we meet someone more interesting to us, and end up breaking up?
~ Glenda

A. Dear Glenda,
You are really asking two questions. The first is how do you deal with the fact that he is an extrovert and you are an introvert. The answer is you compromise. He needs to learn to have quiet time for just the two of you. Meanwhile, you need to learn to enjoy social activities with groups of people. Remember that being an extrovert is what makes him who he is -- the man you fell in love with.

Secondly, you are asking if distance in a relationship is good or a sign that things are going wrong. The answer is that some distance can definitely be a good thing - giving you both breathing room and space to miss and appreciate each other. The key is the word "some." If you find the two of you almost never have alone time, or spend a lot of time away form each other, you may have a problem.
~Your Relationship Coach


If you have a relationship question you'd like to have answered, email me for a chance to see it addressed in a future edition. If you would like to make sure your question is addressed, schedule a one-on-one ProblemSolver Session. See www.whatittakes.com/Coaching/problemsolver.html for more info.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.whatittakes.com

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. This article was originally published by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries in the Relationship Coach Newsletter, one of many relationship resources you can find at www.WhatItTakes.com. Other resources include relationship advice, quizzes, coaching and classes. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com and learn to become a True Love Magnet(tm)!


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