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Your Effect on Your Partner

Do you know what kind of effect you have on your partner? Is he
or she better off interacting with you, or worse off and having
to recover?

If you leave your partner better off, you know how good it
feels. When you help and support him or her, you increase your
self- esteem. Also, by treating your partner well, you
naturally expect to be treated well. Because you expect it, you
do often get better treatment. It becomes a positive, nurturing

On the other hand, if you have ever left your partner worse
off, then you know how bad it feels. Leaving your partner worse
off lowers your self-esteem. You lose a bit of self-trust and
self-respect. You begin to expect him or her to treat you poorly
as well. It becomes a vicious circle.

This is not to say that you should never hurt your partner, or
that you should take care of him or her to the detriment to
yourself. Always do what is best for you, first. But whenever
possible, leave your partner better off.

Consider a couple in a long-term relationship. The woman
suddenly leaves the relationship, never having voiced that
anything was wrong. Her partner wonders what went wrong, what he
did wrong, and he will wonder and be in pain for a long time.
He is left with is pain, fear of abandonment, mistrust of
others, and mistrust of himself.

Or let's look at another couple. Let's say the man does not
participate in the household as much as the woman would like.
She tries to get him to help, spends a lot of energy on trying
to change him, and all the while wonders why he does not love
her enough to do more. The mess for the woman is a drain of her
energy to compensate for the lack of participation from her

Here are a few other instances of how our actions affect others:

· Being rude leaves people hurt
· Cheating leaves a partner feeling betrayed and deeply hurt
· Lying leaves people doubting themselves
· Breaking a promise leaves people frustrated and mistrustful
· Rage or over the top anger leaves people hurt
· Ignoring issues or shutting down on conversations makes
people feel unloved
· Blaming and nagging makes people feel ashamed

If you are not aware of the effect your actions are having on
your partner, you may want to work on your awareness.

What would it be like if your actions were felt as caring and
loving? Caring may be a bit more difficult than hurting, like
telling your partner what is not working in the relationship
and negotiating to make it work is more difficult than just
giving up.

Caring behavior may require contributing and participating more
so you and your partner have a great life. It may require saying
you are sorry, or telling the truth when it would be easier to

Whatever you have to do to leave your partner better off, with
his or her energy brimming instead of drained, is worth doing.
It may be a risk, a bit scary or uncomfortable. But it leaves
you whole and helps to make your relationship a good place to

(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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