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Essential Rules of Communication

Today's article is an excerpt from Lesson 1 of the Rebuilding Love
eClass:

There are 10 essential rules for the kind of communication that
will make your relationship thrive and flow with love. Here are
two of them:

Rule 8: Never criticize. This does not mean that you cannot
give feedback on something your partner is doing or not doing,
but there is a vast difference between feedback and criticism.

Feedback has the following essential components:

· Specific reference to action that is being taken or not taken
by your partner, instead of generalizations
· How it specifically impacts you
· How specifically you would like the situation to change
· How the change will impact you
· A request for change

Criticism on the other hand is designed to help the person
doing the criticizing dump the anger that has built up as a
result of actions the partner is doing or not doing. The problem
with criticizing is that if you use communication in your
relationship to dump your anger, it will be hard to use it to
build up love.

If you need to express your anger, do so; but again, express it
as feedback and/or your feelings. For example: "I am angry at
you for doing so and so, or I am very angry at you because you
again forgot to do such and such." Don't dump your anger by
being critical, as in "You just never think about anybody except
yourself!"



Rule 9: Never nag. Nagging is designed to get a reluctant
person to do the thing he or she is reluctant to do. Nagging
does not work, because even if the reluctant person does the
thing he or she is being nagged about, the thing will rarely be
done properly. Even if it is, the nagger will never be satisfied
with the thing, because of how much energy and aggravation had
to be expended to get the thing done.

Nagging has an unspoken aspect of anger and frustration in it.
Do not waste your precious communication time and resources on
nagging. Instead, ask for what you want. Ask as many times as
you feel you must, always being honest about how much anger or
frustration you are feeling as a result of having to ask
repeatedly.

But know that no matter how wonderful your partner and your
relationship are, no one will do everything you will ask of them
all of the time. You will get reluctance or a flat-out "no"
sometimes, and you need to deal with these gracefully. The key
is the frequency of the reluctance and the "no's" and how
important you consider the thing you are asking for.

At times it may be prudent to give up and do the thing yourself
or ask someone else to do it. At other times, it makes more
sense to keep asking your partner until he or she finally gets
how important you consider your request.


Remember: good, consistent, quality communication is essential
to your relationship and to both of you being happy with each
other and building trust.


(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"


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