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How To Change Your Partner

If there are things your partner does that drive you crazy and
take away from the relationship, you are probably devising plans
for changing your partner's behavior.

If so, consider the only legitimate change you may ask of a
partner is the kind that supports your partner in becoming a
more capable, more open, healthier and happier person.

For example, if you want more communication in the relationship
and your partner wants less, you may legitimately ask your
partner to expand communication styles for deeper intimacy.
This is a legitimate request, because more communication will
ultimately benefit him or her. People with good communications
skills are likely to have more intimacy in their relationships,
and people who have more intimacy experience more happiness.

Note that a partner cannot legitimately ask you to settle for
less communication. Less communication reduces intimacy, and
will not support your happiness.

Here is a rule of thumb: if a request will help your partner
grow and expand, it is legitimate. If a request will cause your
partner to hide or contract, it is not legitimate. For more on
this concept, read Getting the Love You Want by Harwill Hendrix.
[Here is a link directly to the book:

The fact is, regardless of the legitimacy of a request, your
partner will not change for you. When nagged enough, a
partner may change temporarily, but the change will not stick
nor make a relationship any better.

Making changes is difficult for most people. It's the same as
going up the hill - it takes more energy and effort. A deep,
personal desire for change is the only source of sustainable
energy powerful enough to make up-the-hill work possible.

So, if you can't make your partner change, what can you do?
You can work on self-care in the face of your partner's behavior,
and feeling OK no matter what your partner may be doing or not
doing. That in turn may encourage your partner's desire for

How do you work on taking care of yourself? That's lots of
fodder for other articles and eClasses. Check out what's now
available in the Resource section of this newsletter, and keep
checking back for helpful material designed to help you re-invent
and improve your relationship or marriage.

(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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