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Reader Q&A;

Many people come to www.WhatItTakes.com searching for advice
and answers to their relationship questions or dilemmas. Many
submit their relationship questions in writing.

Below are some of the many relationship questions I recently
received, along with my answers to them.

If you have a relationship question you would like answered,
consider these two options:

1. Questions and answers are posted on the Q&A; pages of
WhatItTakes.com located at
http://www.whatittakes.com/RelationshipInfo/askaquestion.html

If you can't find a Q&A; that fits your situation, submit
your questions by going to
http://www.whatittakes.com/RelationshipInfo/askaquestion.html.

2. If you would like a personal reply or solution to your
relationship question, schedule a ProblemSolver Coaching
Session with me. For more information and to schedule your
15-minute, half-hour, or a 45-minute ProblemSolver Coaching
Session, go to
http://www.whatittakes.com/Coaching/problemsolver.html.

And now, the Q&A.;


Question 1
---------------
Here is a question I am repeatedly asked:

Q. Dear Coach,
I have met a great guy/girl and he/she likes me very much. But,
I do not have the same feelings. I wish I did; this person is
almost everything I have ever wanted. What do I do?


A: Dear Friends,
The key to knowing what to do in this situation is figuring out
what's in your heart and then acting on it. Here is a little
quiz to help you see what's in your heart. Circle or note a yes
or a no for each question.


1. Do you genuinely like this person? (Or do you simply like
the fact that you are being liked and wanted)?
Yes No

2. Are you at all physically attracted to him/her (even if you
would like some changes)?
Yes No

3. Does this person truly possess most of the qualities you are
looking for in a partner? (Or does he/she simply make you
feel good because you are liked and wanted?)
Yes No

4. Is this person very different from the people you typically
date (more stable, or quieter, or smarter, or more
communicative, etc.?)
Yes No


If you answered "yes" to all four questions, you may be having
trouble imagining this person as your partner because he or she
is different than the kind of people you are used to dating.
Typically what's missing for people in this case is the
excitement of the chase. It's somehow much less exiting to be
with someone who says, "Here I am," as opposed to, "Maybe you
will get me and maybe not." If this is true, you may want to date
for about three months to see if your feelings change.

However, if you are not at all physically attracted to this
person, do not try to build an intimate relationship without the
possibility of physical intimacy -- you will both be miserable.
Not every relationship is meant to be an intimate relationship --
some are simply best as friendships.

It goes without saying that if you do not like the person or if
he/she does not match who you have been looking for, it would be
a bad idea to get into a relationship.

Finally, although I speculate above about these types of
situations, in truth each situation is different, as each person
is different. If you want true clarity on what to do, you may
want to do one of the following:

1. Register for and complete "How to Stop Being Single" class.
For more info go to
http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/single.html

The class will help you wade through and clear issues that keep
you confused about relationships. Once you work through the
exercises, you will have much more clarity about the kind of
person you want to be in a relationship with. You will also work
through some of your relationship patterns and may find yourself
more attracted to people who are good for you.


2. Schedule a ProblemSolver coaching session. For more info go
to http://www.whatittakes.com/Coaching/problemsolver.html

A 15-minute or a 1/2-hour conversation with a coach who knows
people and relationships can give you enough clarity to
understand what's going on with you and your relationship and to
know what to do.


Question 2
---------------
Q. Dear Coach, your advice says to love your life -- don't seek
a relationship -- but also says to sign up for singles ads, etc.
Which do I do?
~Tammy


A. Dear Tammy,
These two are not mutually exclusive. Consider living and
loving your life while not looking for your "soul mate." Instead
work on attracting love into your life.

Attracting something into your life is not just passive waiting
-- it involves action in the right direction. Sign up for
singles ads and dating services to practice dating and meeting
people. Also use these venues to see who you are attracting so
you may continue to work on your relationship patterns.

The key is to do this type of dating, or any dating, without
attachment -- without desperately wanting to find the one, or
even find anyone. This is a difficult concept -- difficult to
understand and even more difficult to put into action.

It's kind of like holding something fragile in your hand. If
you are attached, you will hold it too tightly and it will
break. But if you are unattached you will hold it lightly. That
is how you want to hold dating -- lightly, without making it a
big deal, knowing you are taking steps in the right direction
and the results will show up in time.

More on this is in the "How to Stop Being Single" class. Sign up
at http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/single.html


Question 3
--------------
Q. Dear Coach,
It seems everyone tells me, "Don't take it personally." But
what SHOULD I take personally? I mean, do I only take the good
things personally but disregard the bad? Maybe I'm too cut and
dry, but this one has confused me for a long time now.
~Jim


A. Dear Jim,
Most everything others do, think, and feel -- be it good or bad
-- is not about you. When someone reacts to your actions or life
circumstances, they are reacting out of their own upbringing,
their mood, their state of mind, etc. -- none of this is about
you, and therefore none of this is personal.

Rarely (but this does happen) someone is genuinely reacting or
acting because of something you have said or done. The way to
know if you should take something personally -- whether to take
blame or credit for something -- is to ask both the person and
yourself if you had anything to do with the situation. The other
person may not always know the answer to this. You may not always
know either, but asking yourself and them should give you a good
idea of whether to take something personally or not. Then, if you
decide that the situation is indeed about you, pat yourself on
the back if you did something good. If you did something
hurtful, etc., then take note of your actions so you can act
differently next time.

Although I don't have a class I can recommend for you to learn
more about this concept, I will recommend that you subscribe to
the Relationship Coach Newsletter Plus at
http://www.whatittakes.com/Archive/RCNPlus.html, so you can read
more in-depth relationship articles and gain more insight and
understanding into this and other complex relationship concepts.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries


(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"


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