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Reader Q&A;

Many people come to www.WhatItTakes.com searching for advice
and answers to their relationship questions or dilemmas. Many
submit their relationship questions in writing.

Below are some of the relationship questions I recently
received, along with my answers to them.

If you have a relationship question you would like answered,
consider these two options:

1. Questions and answers are posted on the Q&A; pages of
WhatItTakes.com located at
http://www.whatittakes.com/RelationshipInfo/askaquestion.html

If you can't find a Q&A; that fits your situation, submit your
questions by going to
http://www.whatittakes.com/RelationshipInfo/askaquestion.html.

2. If you would like a personal reply or solution to your
relationship question, schedule a ProblemSolver Coaching
Session with me, Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries. For more
information and to schedule your 15-minute, half hour, or a
45-minute ProblemSolver Coaching Session, go to
http://www.whatittakes.com/Coaching/problemsolver.html.

And now, the Q&A;:

Q: Dear Coach,
I've been dating a girl for three years and we've talked about
marriage. She has a tendency to get angry with me -- sometimes
it is warranted, other times it is not, and tells me to fix the
problem. But when I try to fix the problem, whether by
apologizing or with a practical solution, she sabotages me by
being nasty, ignoring me, or arguing with me about what I did
wrong long after I have attempted to rectify the situation. How
do I get her to recognize that I am doing exactly as she asked?
She gets so hung up on what happened that finding a solution, no
matter how simple or complicated, is impossible.
~Joe

A: Dear Joe,
Next time, try this. When she gets angry with you, first listen
to her. Do not interrupt her or defend yourself. She may even be
wrong about what she is saying. But still simply listen until
she is done talking. Then, mentally put yourself in her shoes
and talk to her about what it must be like for her right at that
moment. Only when she says you have clearly understood where she
is coming from and what's happening to her, provide the solution
to the problem. If you want more in-depth tips on how to improve
communication in your relationship, especially in times of
conflict, check out an online class I created titled "How To
Talk to Your Partner" at
http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/talktopartner.html.


Q: Dear Coach,
I am a 37-year-old, never-married woman in a 6-month
relationship with a 30-year-old man. For the most part it's an
equitable, loving relationship. I have one distinct issue and
I'm trying to get a handle on whether or not I'm being
unreasonable. I get angry when he says he's going to call but
doesn't end up doing it. We have had discussions about this and
I've expressed that I find it inconsiderate to make me worry and
hard for me to trust other things he says. This sort of thing
happens at least once a month. I feel he avoids calling me
because he thinks I'm upset about something. He says he is
sometimes afraid of confrontation. From a trust point of view,
am I blowing things out of proportion if he doesn't call when he
says he will? Does this point to a larger problem? Many thanks,
and great column.
~Melanie

A: Dear Melanie,
Make it easy for him to stop doing this behavior, and then
watch what happens to see whether a larger problem emerges.

Here is how to help him not break his promise to you about
calling:

1. Don't define when he should call. This will mean freedom for
both of you. He calls when he wants and is not under the gun
to perform.
2. When he does call, be pleasant and glad he called, even if
you are angry. Express the anger later, in person.
Confrontation is hard to deal with and for the two of you it
may be better done in person.
3. To better deal with his fear of confrontation, consider
taking the "How To Talk To Your Partner" class. For more info
go to http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/talktopartner.html.


Q: Dear Coach,
I have been in a very intense relationship for over two months.
He has brought me into every area of his life -- his family,
friends, and business. It seems really fast, and I want to know
how he feels. More specifically, I want to know whether he loves
me the way I love him. If actions speak louder than words, then
this man is in love with me. But how can I give him confidence
to express his feelings? What can I do to assure him that I am a
safe person? And how often should I bring up the subject? I will
not wait beyond six months before moving on. I believe if he
loves me he will verbally tell me within three to four months.
Am I overreacting?
~Deann

A: Dear Deann,
If you want your man to love you and want your relationship to
last, slow down. If you want him to learn to trust you so he
can express his feelings, slow down. Even if he is pushing for
the relationship to go faster, slow it down to a steady, calm
pace. Trust takes time to develop and does not come in just a
few months. It is reasonable for a couple to date a year or
more before they profess their love for each other.

If you want a head start on finding out if your man is
available for a long-term relationship and may one day be in
love with you, you may want to take a webclass called
"Discerning Available Partners." For more info and to register
go to http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/discerning.html.


Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries


(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"


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