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Surviving the Pain of Being Alone

This article is relevant for anyone single or in a relationship,
or married, happily or unhappily.

I suspect the pain of being alone is a universal human
experience. And I suspect most people seek out relationships to
avoid or soothe this pain. Most people will stay in a
relationship that is not working as a way to avoid this pain.

Unfortunately, no relationship can relieve the pain of being
permanently alone. Even in the best of relationships, there
always comes a time when our friends, family, and partners
are not available and we are alone.

When you feel alone, what do you do?

If you seek out relationships or stay in relationships
because you can't deal with being alone, the time
you are in fact alone can be unbearably painful. And the time
you are with someone will be bittersweet because you will know
on some level that you will be alone again soon.

One of the marks of maturing emotionally is learning to bear
with and even thrive when alone. And your successful ability to
be alone is what allows you to have the best relationships of
your life.

The successful ability to be alone can mean the ability to feel
alone and lonely without the need to seek someone out to fill
the void. It can also mean being alone but not being lonely,
with the void filled with creativity or self-expression, or
passion for pursuit of something that matters to you.

Successfully being alone specifically means being alone without
filling the void with negative things, or behaviors or numbing

How can your ability to be alone allow you to have amazing
relationships? Here is how:

* You do not end up in a relationship simply so that you are
not alone -- you actually choose who you are in a
relationship with.
* In times of trouble, you let your partner go and work out
whatever he or she needs to work out, without the fear of
being alone -- you have already faced that fear.
* If the relationship is not meeting your needs or is hurting
you and your partner refuses to alter behavior that will make
a difference, you can walk away because you have already faced
being alone.
* You have leverage with your partner -- often, your partner
will change his or her behavior rather than risk losing you.

How can you face your feelings about being alone? Here are
some powerful steps.

1. Stop doing all of the behaviors that help you avoid being
2. Feel your feelings and know they are only feelings.
3. Continue to not do behaviors that stop the feelings of being
4. Practice self care -- sleep, eat, exercise, read, talk to
yourself gently.
5. Do not numb out with activities that stop feelings.
6. If you fall off the wagon and numb out, simply go back to
not doing these behaviors and allow yourself to feel your
feelings of being alone.
7. Know the feelings will pass and you will be a stronger, more
resilient, more powerful person on the other end.
8. Watch yourself as you go through your life and thwart any
move on your part to relieve the feeling of being alone.
9. Trust yourself and your own ability to take care of yourself.
10. Use this method to face any other fear that may prevent you
from living the life you want.

Good luck and let me know how this works for you.

What's in RCN Plus this week:
[RCN Plus is a premium paid version of this newsletter]
This week we are continuing to explore why some of us are still
single, in spite of attempts not to be. Specifically, we are going to
be looking at changing our belief systems about relationships
thought gathering evidence contrary to what we beleive.

Readers of the RCN Plus, please click here to go to your article
now. If you are not yet an RCN Plus subscriber, you will get the
"About RCN Plus" page, giving you the opportunity to subscribe
and get today's article.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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