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Why Are You Still Single After All Your Efforts Not To Be?

A series of articles for the chronically single who are deeply
involved in personal growth

Recap from last week:

Your life works. Yet you are still single.

What's going on?

My theory is that you have some deep-seated beliefs and
patterns that are preventing you from getting into a long-term,
healthy, happy relationship.

I will be giving you a series of exercises and actions to help you
give up these beliefs and pattens. But please understand that only
you can and will choose to do so or not.

Action Step 1: Observing yourself

You were invited to spend last week observing your thoughts, actions and
conversations about and in relationships. What new insights have you had?
If you wish to share these with me and with fellow readers, please feel free
to email me.

New information for this week

Action Step 2: Recognizing your deep seated relationship beliefs and patterns

One of the most effective ways to recognize your relationship beliefs and
patterns is to observe your behavior, while asking the following question -
"What kind of relationship pattens and beliefs would a person have to have
in order to act the way I am acting in this situation?"

But, it is one thing to ask a question - yet something else to answer it
truthfully and accurately.

In order to be able to answer this question truthfully and accurately you
must have the following in place:

1. You must have no emotional charge about the situation

Since we are talking about your behavior in or about relationships and being
single, you likely are very emotionally charged about most everything that
happens in this area of your life. In order to see it clearly, you must let
go of this emotional charge, at least temporarily.

To do this, employ a journal. For this period of time, while you are trying
to figure out your deep held relationship beliefs and patterns, journal
extensively to syphon of the intensity of your emotions. Simply write
about how you feel for 10 minutes to 1/2 hour every time your emotional are

2. You must not be invested in the answer, in looking good, or in being right

What do I mean by all this? If you are invested in the answer to a
question, or are invested in being right, or in looking good, you can not
answer the question truthfully. For example, let's say you are going
through the singles ads on a website, looking for compatible mates and you
find something unacceptable about each ad you read.

You ask yourself - "What kind of relationship pattens and beliefs would a
person have to have in order to act the way I am acting in this situation?"

Yet, perhaps you are feeling particularly angry at the opposite sex just now
and particularly angry that you do not see any acceptable partners. Perhaps
you have always been angry at the opposite sex and are invested in
maintaining this position. Perhaps you are feeling righteous and indignant
about the fact that there are no compatible partners. Perhaps you are afraid
of admitting that there maybe something about you that makes you reject each
ad - because that may reflect badly on you or your personality.

Do you see how holding any of these positions, even unconsciously, would
prevent you from answering the question about your beliefs and patterns
truthfully? In fact, one or all of these positions could be a part of
the beliefs and patterns that are holding your back from finding love.

3. You must be able to step back and look at yourself with new eyes

In some ways, this is a repeat of #2 above. One of the tricks I use in
discovering people's deeply held relationship beliefs and pattens is that I
have a new set of eyes.

I do not live their life, nor do I feel their emotions. I am not entrenched
in the drama or the pain or even the joy they experience on a daily basis.

This is why I can diagnose a deeply held pattern accurately and quickly. All
I need to know is what are they doing on a regular, repeated basis in and
about relationships. Then I simply ask the same question as I suggested
you ask - "What kind of relationship pattens and beliefs would a person have
to have in order to act the way he/she is acting in this situation?"

I come up with 5 to 10 possibilities, then simply run them by the person.
Inevitably, one to five are recognized by the person and discovery begins.

You can begin doing the same thing for yourself by looking at your behavior
and life with new eyes. Pretend you are me, or someone else who knows about
relationships. What would they see if they looked at your life and

Keep journaling and asking this same question every day, many times each
day, all week. Write down your discoveries as often as you have the
opportunity. Don't wait to write down what you discover - you can very
easily loose this information, even if you are convinced you will remember.
This kind of deep self discovery is tricky and often is resisted by us on a
deep level. Often, if we do not capture an insight when it occurs, it could

By this time next week you could have a solid grip on the deeply held
relationship beliefs and patterns that are responsible for you still being

Next week Action Step 3: Making sure your life is based on positive beliefs
and patterns

Remember, only the subscribers of the RCN Plus will get next week's Action
Step 3. If you want to become a subscriber, read below.

Your Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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