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Why People Run from Relationships

Understanding a person's circumstances often makes accepting his
or her behavior easier. Today's article will make it easier for you to
accept and deal with the "running away", whether your partner's
or yours - by gaining such understanding.

Please know I am by no means sanctioning or excusing the
behaviors I am about to describe. Often, these are not the best
relationship or life choices. Nevertheless, these are some of
the ways people tend to behave in relationships.

There is an endless list of reasons why people run from
relationships, either permanently or temporarily. It is
impossible to cover all these here. I will address the eight
most common reasons why a person may run from a relationship.

1. It's not the right relationship

Often people run because they simply got into the wrong
relationship and could not get out gracefully. Their lack of
communication is usually about not wanting to hurt the other
person's feelings. Ironically, running away hurts far worse than
saying goodbye.

2. Too much intimacy

Intimacy is like a salve; it pulls out all of the yucky,
painful stuff from within. When we are loved and our heart is
open, joy is not always the only reaction.

The slightest hurt from our beloved can bring on strong
feeling or memories. We may once again experience the pain,
hurt, anger, disappointment, etc., from past relationships.

And who wants to feel these feelings again? We all should,
because part of the gift of being in a good relationship is
healing the past. But if you are unaware of this gift/process,
you will think the relationship itself is causing you to feel
strong negative feelings and you will want to run.

3. A fall from grace

When we enter a new relationship, we tend to idealize our
new partner to a certain extent. Unless you are in a new
relationship devoid of passion and excitement, you can't help
but think you are dating a wonderful person with no faults.

Eventually, about three to six months into the relationship,
reality sinks in and each one inevitably falls from grace in the
other's eyes. Whether it is personality traits, habits,
lifestyle choices, or circumstances, there is always something
or many things we grow to dislike about our partner.

Some people do not deal well with this fall from grace. They
fully expect their partners to be that ideal person they thought
they were dating. How fast and how far they run will reveal
their level of disappointment.

4. Too many resentments/too much hurt

Many people feel it is not ok to express negative feelings in a
relationship. Unfortunately, negative feelings arise whether we
are willing to express them or not.

The ways in which we deal with negative feelings vary -- we
might choose to express and deal with them, to suppress them and
carry them around, or to run. Over time, if the negative
feelings are not expressed, they become so overwhelming that
running becomes the only option.

Alternatively, when one partner expresses negative feelings and
yet nothing changes in the relationship to make things better,
this partner may get so fed up with being unhappy that he or she
will run.

5. Fear

Sometimes people run because they are afraid. This can be a
fear of any number of things, such as a fear of getting closer
and reveling one's true self; a fear of getting hurt; a fear of
failing and being ashamed; a fear of getting trapped; a fear of
being controlled; a fear of becoming dependent. This list can go
on and on.

Fear is a very powerful emotion -- it triggers our fight-or-
flight reflex. Often when someone becomes extremely fearful, he
or she can't rationally think through these fears and will run.

6. Preoccupied/unavailable

If someone has too much stress or preoccupation with survival
going on, he or she may run in order to deal with the stress.

Some people are social types who best deal with stress by
getting support from others. Others are loners when it comes to
stress. When life becomes stressful and overwhelming, they
withdraw from other people, and especially intimate
relationships. They often resent any support they are offered,
and if pushed, run away even further.

7. Low self esteem

If a person does not feel good about himself or herself, the
relationship will only go so far before it is stopped.
Surprisingly this happens more often than you think.

Many people have low self-esteem and truly do not think they
are good enough to be loved, to be known, and truly think they
are not worthy. This type of person will never really
incorporate a partner into his or her life and will never really
allow any significant closeness.

8. Falling out of love
People fall out of love with each other for one of two main
1) A fall from grace, #3 above, or
2) Too many resentment/too much hurt, #4 above.

Your Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries

(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

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