|What To Do When Your Partner Runs, Part II
Have you ever been with a partner who ran away from you,
permanently or temporarily?
Running from intimacy and from the other person is very common
and happens in most relationships at various maturation points.
This article will be of great use to you no matter what kind of a
relationship you are in.
Here is the second half of the list of ten steps to follow when your
partner runs from you and the relationship:
If you have stood still and done nothing to chase down your
partner or to run away in reaction and still nothing has
changed, it is time to communicate. Communicate only if you can
be calm, cool, and collected. Again, communicate only if you can
be calm, cool and collected. If you get intense and emotional
toward a person who has run away, he or she will simply run
further and faster.
Here is what you want to communicate:
** Does he realize he has run away?
** Did you do something to contribute to the running away?
** Would she like to talk about what's going on?
Here is what you don't want to communicate:
** You miss him or her, especially terribly.
** You are in love with him or her.
** You would be very sad -- or worse, distraught -- if the
relationship was over.
** You will do anything to save the relationship.
Such sentiments are more likely to drive your partner even
7. Take care of yourself
When your partner has run away, your first line of defense
should be self-care. Self-care is a series of actions that make
you feel ok again, like talking to others, journaling,
exercising, sleeping, getting a massage, etc. Do as many
activities as necessary for you to feel whole and ok as much of
the time as possible. This will help you tolerate the situation
with grace and patience.
8. Run away a little yourself
If nothing has changed yet and your partner still has not
returned, run away a little yourself. This of course applies
only if the person is still around in some way, mostly in a
marriage or long-term relationship.
Do not run away as a way to play games or have an impact, but
do so to express your feelings. Get in touch with how you feel
about your partner running away. Does your partner's behavior
make you want to be nicer to him or her, cook dinner for him or
her, do yard work, etc.? Does your partner's behavior make you
want to spend free time with him or her?
I would guess the answer to these questions is no. Most
people do not genuinely want to be around partners who have run
away from them. But most people feel compelled to create closeness
to encourage their partners to come back. However, intimacy in this
case will encourage complacency or worst.. Nothing will change
because nothing is wrong. Or more running will happen because
there is too much intimacy.
9. Decide to stay or move on
If the person left the relationship and does not come back,
give it a little time. Grieve the relationship and then move on
and find someone else who wants to be with you more and wants to
If you are in a marriage or long-term relationship and the
person has ran away emotionally or intimacy-wise, but is still
present in other ways, give it a good amount of time to see if
something changes. If there is no change, make a decision about
whether you can live with how things are. If not, leave.
10. What to do if this happens repeatedly
If the leaving/coming back-cycle repeats over and over again in
your relationship, you undoubtedly feel like a yo-yo. You need to
stop how the cycle affects you, if not the cycle itself.
If you have just started the relationship and the person is
already running away and coming back repeatedly, you may want to
end the relationship. To have this at the beginning of the
relationship foreshadows how poorly it will likely turn out.
If you are in a long-term relationship or marriage and your
partner is repeatedly running, you need to decide if there is
any chance of the situation changing.
In my opinion, change can only take place when the person who
has the running away problem is doing emotional work -- meaning
the person can tell you why he or she is running away, that it
is not your fault or responsibly, and that concrete steps are
being taken to stop the running. If this is the case, change is
possible and is often worth waiting for.
On the other hand, if what you hear is only remorse and
promises to do better, there isn't likely to be change in the
behavior. You may want to end the relationship.
Next week: What to do when your previously-running-partner has
decided to return or stick around; how to rebuild the trust, the
passion, and the relationship; how to tell when your partner has
stopped running for good..
Your Relationship Coach
(c) Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
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